NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
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[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
You can’t outrun your problems…
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
I’d love this before and after shot…lol