Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
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I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.