If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
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Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast