Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
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Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.