[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
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My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*