The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
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The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.