We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
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NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?