[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
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Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.