I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
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In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
A short story of betrayal:
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
I have so many questions.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see