Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
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Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?