nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
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You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Bringing home a sharpie
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
My favorite female superhero
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
What about a To-Don’t List?
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.