Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
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I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
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Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
What if all the cashiers are married?
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.