I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
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the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
HELP 😭
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg