Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
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The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
You are what you delete.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.