[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
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*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.