I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
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Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
awesome draft from months ago i just found
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads