SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
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Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Alexa: *deep breath*