Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
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I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”