Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
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I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?