i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
You Might Also Like
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Customer is always right
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!