My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
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I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Woke up against my better judgement again
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Sex so good you see dead people.
got so much cardio in today
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.