My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
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*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.