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firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something