Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
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Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
started wrapping my pills in cheese
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.