Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
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Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.