I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
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The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Ape together strong
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!