I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
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HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
“OMGJK” -atheists
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet