I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
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Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
I’m giving up for Lent.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”