My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
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Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
no regrets
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.