If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
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Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
can’t bark with your mouth full
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Seems legit
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
fired
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.