Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
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I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Thrilling chase underway
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Mornin
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*