If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
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Ok, but like, how married are you?
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Home #decor warning.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
*cough*
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.