I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
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Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
January has been Januweary
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident