Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
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Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
I’m going to need a moment here.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏