If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
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As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
doing some research
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron