My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
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Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
I feel attacked.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.