[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! đ-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
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I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. Youâre making this weird.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâtĂŠ.
If thereâs a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that theyâve been talking to me for too long.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Lukeâs questions and dies
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Please donât use the phrase, âmake love,â unless youâre speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
âI donât know, man…that deer could have rabies.â
~nervous tics
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
My husband is working from home and heâs still late.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.