[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
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I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean