i need a six-month vacation twice a year
You Might Also Like
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.