My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
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It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.