Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
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If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.