People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
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Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Mad Max Arctic Road
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.