5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
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*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition