Yup.
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Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Unimpressed
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*