Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
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I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
This could’ve been an email.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.