When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
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Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
He wanted to make sure😂
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was