If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
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Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
how much for the angry fruit?
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.