News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
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I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh