As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
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*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.