I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
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She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
At Walmart during the holidays like..
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Lucky old June.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product